im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
