he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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