If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
