peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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