Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
