I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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