Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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