I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize