He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
