Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
