At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
