my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
