A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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