They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
