I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize