I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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