We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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