Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
