just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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