Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
