He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
