i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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