Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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