I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
