Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
