When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
