New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize