Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
