dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
