Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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