Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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