I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
