You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
