Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
