You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
