Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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