omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
