sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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