what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
