I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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