grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
