This dress was meant to end up on your floor
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
