i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
