im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
