I wish my penis had an off switch
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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