I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
jump out the window naked night went bad
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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