he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
