The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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