did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
