Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
