So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
