I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
