If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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