So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
