I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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