Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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