Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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