Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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