Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
