You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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