All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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