Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
