I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
