is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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