i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
