Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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