I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
